The Passion of the Cross

I write this while on retreat with my God's Embrace Community. We have been contemplating the passion of Christ this weekend in lectio divina style in front of the Blessed Sacrament. It has been beautiful. Very personal. Very real. I offer some of my thoughts, born from prayer and the group spiritual direction we experienced.

Am I like Peter, James and John, who fell asleep when Jesus asked them to stay awake for a mere hour while He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane? Or have I always been awake and ready to serve Him at all times? I must admit, I have been the one who fell asleep many times in my life, including the times I decided to stay in bed rather than to rise early for daily Mass on my day off of work. And when praying in the Eucharistic Adoration chapel, I admit I have occasionally dozed off. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Have I abandoned the Lord like the disciples did when the soldiers came to arrest Him? For heaven's sake, yes. How many times have I chosen to run away when fear or stupidity had hold of me when it came to defending my faith in front of non-Catholics. My fear of sounding "dumb" or ill-prepared caused me to remain silent and not stand up for my faith. I was like Peter when my silence was louder than His betrayals.

And how about at the foot of the cross? Would I have been there for Him like John, the beloved? Or would I be hiding somewhere off in the background because my fear of repercussion would have been greater than my courage to defend my Lord and God? I think that I would have probably been off with the others.

It is easy to say "I would not have left you, Lord. I would have stood by You all the way." But, Peter said this also, and he himself denied his Lord and friend three times, leading him to go off and cry bitterly in sorrow and despair.

Luckily, we have a God who is merciful, forgiving, and most of all loving. He is not a grudge-holder. On the other hand, in spite of all our many repeated failings, we can be assured that if we but just look at Him with sorrow in our hearts, that He will look back with great love and compassion and forgiveness. His eyes will tell of how much more powerful His love is than our failings. So as I continue to walk the passion during these final weeks of lent, I will fix my eyes on His and vow to do my best to avoid those things that hurt my King, and be the Veronica and the Simon for the remainder of this sorrowful season.