The Holy Spirit Gives Me Insight

I've been suffering from this depression now for almost seven months, worse at some times. Mostly I have kept it to myself, but, I did put the post on my blog recently and had a few people remark about it. Also, last night at my God's Embrace meeting, I shared about it and had an amazing reaction to it. Important to note is that it has been very debillitating. Most people do not understand clinical depression and just how severely it can affect a person and their whole family. It is not just a small, passing depression, like many people experience. It is a tremendous burden to carry and this time it is probably the worst thing I have ever suffered, as evidenced by the fact that I seriously pondered suicide last month. This is real and it is serious. I cannot escape its daily presence in my life. It does not go away. I would like to share some of the reactions.

In my God's Embrace community I only received positive responses. We were all asked to share our prayer experiences of the past few weeks. I chose to share my depression, my contemplation of suicide in December, and the miraculous story of the key on Christmas, followed by the past few weeks of many hours of prayer in my church in front of the tabernacle by myself. Others shared their stories. One lady told me that I should close my eyes and imagine my depression and put it in a box and wrap it up; then give it as a gift to Jesus on the cross. Another said that God for some reason willed this in my life, though I may not understand why. It was at this moment that I believe that the Holy Spirit reminded me that for a couple of years I have been praying to God to let me suffer for the souls of priests. And as I have been suffering this depression, I have been offering it up for the soul of a priest I know in another country, remembering that I had asked in particular to suffer for this priest's soul. Four or five other people in the group, including my own spiritual director, came up at the break and after the meeting, and hugged me, told me they loved me, and in one way or another, expressed that they would pray for me and that they were happy that I shared this struggle and that they consider me a beautiful person. It is very difficult for me to take compliments and praise because I have always had low self-esteem, but, I found it comforting for a change and just accepted it as love from God through my very special faith community.

Tonight before Mass, a member of my apologetics group came up to me and hugged me and told me she has been following my blog. She said she is very inspired by what I write and she told me she loved me. This was very special to hear. God was once again telling me through a human, that He loves me. God is revealing Himself to me this way to help relieve some of this pain that is so real and so excruciating.

Finally, my sister told me that only Jesus knows this type of pain that is ongoing and continuous. She said I can imagine myself right up there on the cross with Him when I am having the times of total despair that come and go when I feel so abandoned and alone. This is when my depression can be redemptive suffering and can be beneficial to souls of others. I understand this now. I can try to find joy in my suffering this depression. I will try now to turn my sadness into joy. I will try to look outward and upward, instead of inward and downward, because that is what Satan is trying to get me to do. He loves to bring me down. He wants me to despair. So instead, I will refute him and give glory to God through my suffering. I thank God for sending my holy, Catholic brothers and sisters who have been there for me in this time of great need for supportive friends. Thank you, Jesus.